Heartbreaking Stories

Confession of a serial killer – A Funny Story

My name is Deloret Imnidian, and I am a serial killer.

Don’t be alarmed by the word ‘serial killer’. You must be thinking of me as a psychotic murderer, and I don’t blame you for that, world has been harsh on us. But I see myself as a wizard, like Harry Potter, living among muggles.

In a world full of chocolate, I am vanilla; a plain middle aged guy, who is kind of boring. You would walk past me and not even look twice. In other words, I am really good at pretending to be normal. If you ever met me on the street, you would never guess how much I wanted to kill you.

Now I am not here to tell you a bedtime cautionary tale. This is a serious confession, which you will find properly terrifying. My only consolation is some portions of it are so fascinating that they might hold you spellbound.

***

The air was choked with a bizarre stench; the walls seemed freshly painted in red. The theatre was dark except from few glittering cressets. A long awaited ceremony was about to begin.

Red curtain on the stage uplifted and before us stood a midget. His appearance was affirming the existence of alien races on the Earth. He had a bulbous head and ten scythe-like claws, his heavy coat and pants were hanging loosely over his thin, inhuman limbs. He was mostly bald on top, but few pale blond hair resembled laurel of Caesar.

His brash manner of speaking was making him a very suitable for hosting such event,

“Killing is an art, and every art should be rewarded.

We are here at Bloody Hell theatre to celebrate a tradition that not only creates memories for the ages, but also gives a new meaning to our beclouded and tempestuous existence.

My budding sophisticated serial killers, welcome to 64th ANNUAL SINISTER SYNDICATE AWARDS.”

***

The defining trait of serial killers is that they keep on killing. I kill because I have to; I am in fact slave to my own compulsion. There are some aspects of my life that I can’t control, and they can only be explained by fate. I was destined to be a serial killer.

Sometimes the urge to do bad is nearly overpowering. But the act of killing is not purely desire driven; it is kind of weird, perverted duty.

***

“Here to present our first award, two time Sinate (Sinister Syndicate award) winner, Mr. Ben Neblin.”

[Applause]

Ben said eloquently,

“Back in 90s there was a BTK (Bind, Torture, Kill) serial killer named Dennis Rader, who blamed demon for the murders, claiming a demon got inside him at an early age.

They operate on psychosis where their delusions or hallucinations command them to kill.”

“Here are the nominees for Visionary Serial Killer:

[Nominations projected on the screen]

Gollumn, kills on the command of a fictional character named Gollumn

Elrick brothers, steal lives in order to resurrect their mother, with help of their dead father

Hoemhien, filters humanity in good and evil with his own gifted vision and kills accordingly

Son of Sam, Slaughters in the name of God, acknowledging his presence

And the Sinate goes to- Hoemhien”.

[Applause]

Hoemhein had skinny oval head, sharp features and recessed eyes. He was well tailored. He stumbled a little on his way to the stage.

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He spoke in a shaking voice, barely exchanging glance with the crowd in front of him,

“Isn’t it ironic, a blind man winning the award for visionary serial killer? My blind eyes allow me to see the real person beneath the suit of flesh. I am constantly aware that I am killing people with faces, names and families, but the fact is I am killing myself. Each of us is the victim of our selves.

Anyway, I would like to thank Syndicate for finding me fitting for this award. Have a great night.”

***

Fear is weird. There are things that you can’t control, and that scares you. Every day you fear, “What if my boss fires me?”, “What if my girlfriend dumps me?” or “What if my check bounces?”

But you don’t fear us. Your day-to-day fear doesn’t include,

“What if a serial killer kills me and my whole family?”

We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere; but you will never see us coming…

***

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the president of Sinister Syndicate, Komar Sherak, popularly known as Mr. Satan.”

[Applause]

Mr. Satan was an old shabby gentleman. His eyes were thin and grim, his mouth closed tightly in a flat, emotionless line. He addressed the crowd in very casual manner,

“Tonight is the highlight of the year for more than 100 members of Sinister Syndicate and for the entire killing industry. Killing is our religion and tonight we have gathered here for communion. What you are seeing tonight is the reminder of our mission, to recognize and honor serial killers.

On behalf of the Syndicate, I want to specially thank you all for being here, and for bringing this show to life.

In addition to that, I am here to present a special award. From time to time, Lifetime Achievement Award is presented to an individual whose achievements have a lasting and significant impact on us.

The winner of this year is one of the greatest serial killer Syndicate has ever known. He is my dear friend.

Sinister Syndicate Award forLifetime Achievement goes to- Jeffrey Dahmer “

[Crowd gave a standing ovation and applauded]

Jeffrey looked exotic with his slick black hair and brown skin. Despite his age, he was apt to be substantial, with a tendency to be a stout.

His acceptance speech was one of the main highlights of the ceremony,

“When I first emerged from my mother’s womb, I was already a killer. Mother, I hope you were merciful, forgive your rueful child.

I am alive only when I kill. I exist to kill, that’s the only thing I am sure of. It was something I did all the time, and thought nothing of it. It turns out rest of the world thinks it’s completely reprehensible, and here I am, winning Lifetime Achievement Award for killing.

This award is dedicated to all the sick and twisted fellows, who do terrible things, which normal people would dare not.

I express my deepest gratitude to Sinister Syndicate and Mr. Satan.

All hail Satan!”

***

Most of the serial killers treat their victims as an object rather than human being, because that makes them easier to torture and kill.

You are just a crawling maggot that nobody has crushed yet.

***

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Sinate isn’t a show where some millionaires present each other with golden statues.

Mutilation is very common attribute of a serial killer. Sometimes we pose it, deface it or simply play with it like a doll. Ladies and Gentleman, hold your breath, for what is about to happen is historic. Dr. Mark Bundy will perform live mutilation on the stage.”

[Heavy applaud]

Mark was a tall man. He was wearing small round glasses with thin black frames; his surgical gown was hanging carelessly over his slender body.

The subject was lying there like a blank canvas, ready to be painted with scalpel. That whole event unfolded before me like a painting of Leonardo da VInci, rich in color and texture, deep with understanding of its subject. I sat in shock, my face bitten by fear and my legs warm with my own urine. I didn’t even remember peeing.

The subject remained sprawled,  like the ruin of titanic at the bottom of ocean, unaware of the decay that awaited it in near future.

***

The lack of emotional connection with the people has odd effect of making you feel separate and alien, as if you were observing the human race from somewhere else, unattached and unwelcomed. Many times I feel alone, like a Joker in a deck of cards, always distant from other numbered and colored cards.

 Some sociopaths feel superior, as if the whole humanity were simply animals to be hunted.

***

“Those who kill are also chased by death, always living alongside death. Job that risks one’s soul is truly beautiful. How rewarding…

Too many people die before they should. Dealing with death is a part of our job. I express profound grief on behalf of Syndicate for the loss of those valuable lives.”

[Slide show projected on the screen]

John Wayne Gacy, organized serial killer

Jeb Jolley, psychotic serial killer

Boston Strangler, missionary serial killer

Clayton ripper, power seeking serial killer

Dr. Clown, disorganized serial killer

“We also deeply mourn for those who got caught doing their honest job. Let me tell you, Syndicate is vouching for you, protecting our assets is our number one priority.”

***

It is said to be difficult to take someone’s life, I say that it is more difficult not to. For a human being, killing is the most natural thing in the world. We are created for it. On the surface you want to kill, but deep down you celebrate human worth and a veil of forgiveness.

Everyone has thought about killing someone, one way or other. Killing is the worst crime you can commit, so the key is to find a way not to feel guilty. It’s all about finding the right excuse.

***

“Ladies and gentleman, the moment has arrived, to announce the final and most coveted award of tonight.

I would like to call on the stage four times Sinate winner, one of the most gorgeous serial killer in the world, Dori Lehane.”

[Applause]

Dori was a strikingly beautiful woman with classic looks. She had blonde hair, sparkling green eyes, fair skin and graceful curvy figure. Though aging was taking toll on her body, she was still a treat to behold.

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Dori said in her seductive voice,

“More isn’t automatically better; quality’s got to count for something. It doesn’t matter how many you kill, what matters is the way you kill. Considering various parameters, after critical evaluation, jury of Sinister Syndicate announces Serial Killer of the yearaward.

It is my very good fortune to present the nominees for this category:

Serge Moffat, your distinct style of killing displays brilliance of somewhat bewildering proportions. We are constantly struck not only by your skills but also by your serious dedication.

Henry Salander, you are a charismatic crack addict, most brutal killer Syndicate has ever seen. Your fierce personality and beast like way of killing are rare and unmatched. We’ll always cherish you as ‘The Beast of Southern Wild’.

Lilly & Jane, whom we’ve admired for years, have ventured even deeper into the art of killing. You’ve redefined the term ‘serial killer’ in true manner. I hope you’ll remain here for many years to come.

Deloret Imnidian, in a very short space of time, your presence has come to seem indispensable. Our community would now seem strangely empty without your unique blend of fearlessness, grace and attitude.

Ramsey Mora, they say you’re insane, but then who isn’t? You are unreasonably good and with each killing, you’ve raised the bar, making it a little more difficult for the rest of us.

And the Sinate goes to- Deloret Imnidian.”

My senses went numb. I felt joy and fear simultaneously. It was totally unexpected. I slowly walked towards the stage. Dori Lehane presented me award and embraced me. My dark eye pupils slid grotesquely over her wide crystalline eyes, as if I couldn’t see them clearly.

I held the trophy for a moment and looked at it. It was a real piece of work. It was dark, darker than black. Its shape resembled something between man and beast. Finally I looked at audience; they were all standing up, applauding. I knew that I had to say something, which seemed difficult at that moment,

“Alright…

First, I am going to thank all the 17 people, whom I’ve killed this year, I owe this to you. Lord, please usher them into your broad bosom, and grant rest and salvation to their miserable souls.

I really understand that I’ll never be up here again, so I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the members of Sinister Syndicate.

Thanks for this inexplicably wonderful night.”

***

You…just took a step toward hell.

If you are expecting a dramatic climax with twist; you’re going to be disappointed. It’s not a story, it’s my life, and unlike some plot driven entertainments, there is no closure in real life.

Now why don’t you tune in and see what little surprise I’ve dreamed up for you? Take a bath in a smiling madness.

I am going to leave now, but let me haunt you with these words:

I’ll be back.

Don’t worry; it’s not so bad as long as you can keep the fear from your mind.

You need not sit there staring. I’m not going to say anymore.

__END__

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