This is well… a story of myself i usually do myself as a dragon cause thats how i escape… i mix my fantasy into my real life… but this time… im not going to…
Most of this started back when i was admitted at the hospital, recently diagnosed with extreme depression and severe social anxiety.
May 20, 2016 i was brought into emergency for self harm. After a few hours of waiting the doctor took us to the psych ward… or “psych emerg” security guards nearby as well, they were friendly yes very friendly. Another few hours pass and its clear im going to be staying here so im all excited thinking that its all going to be a joy ride. I have my phone so what could go wrong, the only one who kept me sane in that small room was my boyfriend we dont live in the same city no, im in canada. Him in the states so far apart but we were and we still are closer than anyone could expect from a long distance relationship. He is my world, he kept me alive to this point cause a few months ago i would have ended it all because of my family. But he was there. He called and i put the knife down and fell asleep to his voice saying positive things. He just has that perfect texan accent i love. But i love him for who he is… not what he looks like but for his personality, for him just being him. Days pass and im waiting to get to the unit still, my boyfriend always there but i dont fully rely on him, only cause of him i can stand on my own but i still need him by my side and i always will. On May 24 im finally brought up to the unit, unit 23 i thought it was going to be fun. I fought back when they said i no longer had the right to talk to my boyfriend. But eventually they got me to give in, a few days i stay in bed… crying, hoping i would get out of that hell.
Annoying new roommate obsessed with Attack on Titan… kissed me right away when the nurses left our room… short little one, transgender too. I didnt fight back because i would be at fault, nobody would believe that i was trying to stop this person. Later that night i was touched sexually in my sleep… i woke to this but acted asleep knowing i cant do anything, as the agressive one i would be at fault, it would not be self defense to the nurses.
Still getting worse i hate it and im beginning to starve myself, all they want to do is control me. But im not some pet, individual work hmph and ANGER management, if i never had this self taught anger management alot of people would be dead right now. So i dont kneed that never have and never will.
Discharge meeting, finally i can go home. And home is where i want to stay.
A few hours hours and im on the couch snuggling one of my cats Sweetpea. Im happy and i enjoy being home for the first time in a month its wonderful.
The next few days are good very good im loosing weight which is AMAZING for me and im super excited for school in a few months new high school… better than the one i was at before, no more bullies cause im in a program with other teens just like me.
About a month passes and im taken out of my favorite summer camp a day after i get there, im devistated at the loss and attempt suicide but again my boyfriend was there so i calmed down. Later that day we have to pack a few things again for a meeting with a place called Woods homes. Mom leaves and im left without the love of my life again… im trapped again going through the same thing over and over again. No phone again, so its tough cause my boyfriend promised he would always be here for me, he has probably plotted murders for everyone at this place knowing how difficult it is for me here away from home and away from him…
Another month later its the first day of school and my last day at woods. Also my first day at home again. School is amazing it really is… after the breakup it was difficult,
The breakup happened one night. I was having a bad day and he was there… he told me he wasnt feeling okay so i did my usual, i helped him to his feet, i helped him fight the depression. Then his mother texts me.. we have a conversation. In the end i broke up with him because of her… i didnt know she would use my mental disabilities to get in my head… i threaten her the next day cause i was trying to defend myself. Even after the event me and him are close…
Three weeks after the breakup i cant take it anymore so he asks to try again with a relationship knowing it was hard for me to call him “bestie” when i had such strong feelings for him, and he the same feelings for me. We forget about the breakup and continue loving eachother secretly. Our bond stronger than ever now. We both know it will never break, our love is strong and we always help eachother. I want to plan a trip to see him but i give up… cause i know mom will never let me go cause she hates me… and since grandma moved to the other province (British Columbia) its been hard…
Its my special boy’s birthday today… he turns seventeen today. I love him so much, and grandma comes six days from now and i am so happy! My birthday gift to him is a drawing, that was also an art contest submission for the yearbook, he loves the drawing! He wishes to be with me so much but the distance still keeps us apart…
October 27 (today)
Im still sick… sore as heck i can barely move without crying in pain. But nobody believes me as i am stuck in bed. When nobody is looking i take atleast fifteen sleeping pills and start saying goodbye to everyone. Knowing my life will never get better. I wake a few hours later… depressed my suicide attempt didnt work. And since my boyfriend was at school at the time he could not talk much… he had to go to his car at lunch… to be alone, i texted him later on… yet again… he is the only reason im still here… i fight only for him…
If you say for me just to get over my depression, then you dont know what its like. I skipped alot of things because im in a rush right now… nobody believes my pain everyone thinks its a lie and im tired of it, im tired of being strong for everyone else when im treated so badly by most people. Scars cover my body neck to thighs each one a sign when i lost the emotional battle in my head. I have more to say but my story is boring nobody needs to know about my problems. As a dragon artist im always picked on… ive never taken art classes but im damn good at drawing dragons.